Since we left off last post on a lighter note, I thought we’d stay in that mode for another “hot minute,” as the kids say these days. Despite the obvious downsides to being incarcerated (crappy food at obtuse meal times, rude and sometimes nasty corrections officers, limited contact with the outside world) it is possible to find elements of humor in lock-up if you set your dial to them. Put another way, it’s better to laugh at it than cry about it.

Trash talking is constant and almost mandatory for blowing off steam (plus avoiding fights and subsequent trips to “the blocks” aka solitary segregation.) As much as I relish a clever Edwardian jab or back-handed dis-donc, there’s really no way to come back from a street-born “diss” like the ones below:

“You a battery-acid drinking, bald-headed, tampon-buying in the world motherf*cker!”

or, “You walkin’ ’round like an albino-penguin, Fantastic-Four looking n**ger!” (Still can’t figure that one out…)

or for sheer originality, my all time favorite:

“Yo you ugly fool, you look like a cross between a baby baboon and a velociraptor!!” (For the TKO!)

Since I couldn’t hardly compete with that level of hood-genius repartee, I opted for situation-based verses, just for fun and to pass the (ample) time. Here’s one that will never win any National Endowment for The Arts poetry awards:

TOOTHPASTE AND SH*T

Early every morning, when it’s time to wake up

The last thing I can smell is some Folger’s in my cup.

Walk into the toilet and it hits you in the face;

The overwhelming odor of sh*t and toothpaste.

There’s no way to avoid it, or get around it, you see,

Since when the overheads go on, everybody has to pee.

But if the night before you had some rice and apple juice,

You find an open throne, cop a squat and drop a deuce.

When your business is complete you hit a courtesy flush,

Meander to the sink, since there’s no more need to rush.

Wash your hands real good, and maybe splash your face,

Then out comes the brush followed by the toothpaste.

So you’re all cleaned up and you’re feeling good now.

Last thing on the agenda, is get ready for “the chow.”

~ November 2022